I'm gonna fetch me the most fetching filly I can find. The storm knocked the clothes on the clothesline all cattywampus! HIs britches are so tight they make his legs look like hot dogs. His bread basket is bigger than a bread basket, if you know what I mean. She was so ugly when she was born that her momma used to borrow a baby to take to church on Sunday.She is so ugly, her face would turn sweet milk to clabber.If I had a dog as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt and make him walk backwards.She's so ugly I'd hire her to haunt a house!.So ugly heвЂ™d scare a buzzard off a gut pile.So ugly sheвЂ™d make a freight train take a dirt road.He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.He's so ugly, he didn't get hit with the ugly stick, he got whopped with the whole forest!.Now these are really unkind, but funny as heck! It happened faster than a knife fight in a phone booth.

(I don't know what a 'haint' is, but apparently a scalded one can run really fast!)

You took as long as a month of Sundays.

Faster than a hot knife through butter.

Faster than green grass through a goose.

Faster than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking competition.

Southern Expressions for Speed (Fast or Slow)

I was born at night, but not last night! (I'm not that stupid!).

If his brains were dynamite, he couldnвЂ™t blow his nose.

So dumb he couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel.

There's a tree stump in a Louisiana swamp with a higher IQ.

His brain rattles around like a BB in a boxcar.

When the Lord was handin' out brains, that fool thought God said trains, and he passed 'cause he don't like to travel.

He hasn't got the sense God gave a goose.

He's so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.

If brains were leather, he wouldn't have enough to saddle a junebug.

The porch light's on, but no one's home.

If that boy had an idea, it would die of loneliness.

(The most creative expression about liars I've heard in the North is 'Lying like a rug.' Southerners have much more colorful ways of accusing a liar.) Southernisms About Stupidity

That man is talking with his tongue out of his shoe.

Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.

Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's rainin'!.

Colorful Southern Expressions About Liars

Southern expressions